3 Listening Strategies You’ll Learn in Therapy: Part 2 of 4 – Reflect
Skill #1 – Reflect
I want to share a listening skill called reflecting, which is like holding up a verbal mirror to the person you are talking to. When someone tells you something, the first step is to repeat back what you heard in your own words. This helps them know that you understood them or gives them a chance to clarify if something was missed.
This is not a time to argue or give advice. I focus only on understanding their words and feelings. Many times we think we are listening, but we respond too quickly without really hearing. This can lead to confusion or arguments that overlap. By slowing down, I can catch what my partner really means and respect their perspective.
Reflecting requires patience. Sometimes we have our own thoughts about the situation, but we need to put them aside for a moment. When my partner is upset, I try not to push or fix their feelings. I focus on hearing them fully, which helps us have a calmer and more understanding conversation.
Just like a mirror shows an image, reflecting shows someone that you are paying attention to their feelings. I make sure to pause and think about their perspective before responding. This helps prevent misunderstandings and keeps the conversation honest and clear.
This skill is most useful in serious conversations, not simple requests. For example, if my partner asks me for something small, like passing the salt, reflecting is not needed. But if they are upset or confused, repeating back what they say can make a big difference in understanding.
Action Step
If you are new to reflecting, I practice using simple sentence stems to help: “What I heard you say was…,” “I’m not sure if I understand. Are you saying…,” or “It sounds like you feel…; is that right?” These phrases help me focus on their feelings and perspective without adding my own judgment.
The goal is to listen to how they feel, not argue if it is right or wrong. Even if I don’t fully understand their feelings, I allow them to have their perspective. This keeps the conversation respectful and honest.
Wedding Band Story
I remember giving my wife a wedding ring and expecting her to feel excited or happy. Instead, she felt sad, which confused me and hurt my feelings. At first, I wanted to respond with my own emotions, but I realized it was more important to reflect her feelings first.
I repeated back what I thought she was saying and focused on understanding her perspective. Doing this helped me connect with her feelings instead of arguing or defending my expectations. It reminded me how valuable it is to truly listen and show care.
Reflecting takes practice, but it can make conversations much smoother. It helps both people feel heard and respected. When I focus on hearing and understanding my partner, it improves trust and closeness in the relationship.
Look out for the next skill, being curious, which builds on reflecting and helps deepen conversations even further.
