3 Listening Strategies You’ll Learn in Therapy: Part 4 of 4 – Validate
Skill #3 – Validate
Validation is about showing your partner that you understand how they feel and why they feel that way. I try to imagine how their emotions come from a situation and express that understanding back to them. This skill helps the other person feel heard and supported, which strengthens the connection in a relationship.
Validation is more than just saying, “I understand” or “I get it.” Those words alone are not enough. True validation requires slowing down, fully considering their perspective, and thinking about why they feel the way they do. It also means avoiding the urge to fix the problem or convince them to feel differently, which can make them feel dismissed.
More than Words – Understanding is Key
To validate effectively, I need to grasp what my partner is thinking, why they see things that way, and how they feel. Listening carefully and using reflection and curiosity from the previous steps helps me get to this point. Only then can I express understanding in a way that makes them feel truly heard.
Validation is not about agreeing. It is about accurately communicating what I understand from their perspective. When I do this correctly, the other person often feels relieved and connected because they know I see and hear their feelings.
Using Skills Together
Reflection and curiosity lead naturally into validation. Once I have listened and asked questions to understand their perspective, I can explain that understanding back to them. For example, if my partner describes why they dislike a certain food, I can restate what I hear: what the food is, why it bothers them, and how it makes them feel. This shows them I truly understand and validates their experience.
Validation strengthens a relationship by helping each partner feel heard and respected. It can be applied to small matters like preferences or larger issues such as trust or emotional experiences. The process takes time, practice, and patience, but it builds stronger emotional bonds.
The Wedding Band Story – Conclusion
Returning to the story from the first blog, I applied all three skills during a discussion with my wife about her wedding ring. She initially shared that she felt sad, and instead of reacting impulsively, I reflected what she said.
Next, I was curious and asked questions to understand why she felt sad. I discovered that her sadness came from the sentimental value of her original wedding ring and how much it meant to her. Finally, I validated her feelings by explaining that I understood why she was upset about losing something meaningful to her.
Through reflection, curiosity, and validation, she felt heard, and the conversation turned productive. This approach allowed me to take action calmly and resolve the issue, showing how these skills work together in real-life situations.
Practice and Support
To use these skills effectively, I recommend practicing regularly with your partner. Start with low-stakes situations to build confidence and gradually move to more sensitive topics. Feedback from your partner helps refine your approach, and practicing together strengthens mutual understanding.
Working with a therapist can speed up learning and provide guidance in applying these skills. Therapy can help you and your partner develop consistent patterns for listening and validating each other, which improves communication in your relationship and beyond.
